Loafhead
Contents |
Oh the Horror
Maryanne Rotundus Keh0e (Rotondus Maximus Enormous Gigantius Pageantus, Russian: Глава Лоф) is a very large and disgusting creature that originates from the Atlanta, Georgia area disguised as a Caucasian female with basketball sized tits, ass knees, and a buffalo sized ass. She also has a blog and was the subject of an ill-conceived beer.
The Latin name of which is derived from "Rotondus" meaning a very round object of large size and weight (as indicated by the word "ton" in the word). Maxiumus is a part of the word glutinous maximus meaning the posterior or "behind" also known by many as the "arse". Since this creature is so large with a heavy mass known to cause earthquakes and crane collapses, hence the "enormous" and "gigantus" (from the word "giant"). Finally, the Latin "Pageatus" since the creature is known to enroll in and buy off the judges in bogus pageants to promote her self worth (which means very little to others). Simply put into plain English is known as "Loafcow" or "Loafhead" because the head resembles an uncut olive loaf found in many delicatessens in North America.
This creature, if provoked, can be very dangerous as it is quick to sue over bogus copyrights and will even go as far as to summon the assistance of Richard D. Cuff to pulverize those who might annoy it in front of large crowds at the Winter SWL Festival in Kulpsville, Pennsylvania.
The usual mode of transportation of this horrible creature is usually done in a specially modified airliner operated by the United States Military under supervision of very brave zookeepers who know its disposition and can control it without the use of deadly force. More times than not, the pilot is from the Air Force who can control an aircraft with such a large payload.
The Loafhead (or Loafcow) is distinguished by an olive loaf shaped head with a brush cut (similar to the male hair style worn by military and law enforcement agents), huge breasts like over inflated basketballs and an arse similar to that of the North American buffalo but as large as the arse on a very large African elephant (pachyderm).
Studies by the United States Geological Department have linked this creature to many major earthquakes due to the shifting of the earth's mantle and rock formation plates under the earth's surface. Recently, the Maryland Department of Transportation linked the Loafhead (or Loafcow if you will) to a large sinkhole on Interstate Highway 70 while she is in that area for one of her bogus pageants. They recently decided to file a federal lawsuit on behalf of the US Department of Transportation in order to recover the damages caused by this very large and heavy creature.
It was widely reported that the creature, about four years ago, wed a drummer from the United Kingdom who passed away from crushing and strangulation injuries he sustained when she rolled over onto his poor defenseless body while both the Loafhead and defenseless drummer were sleeping in a specially reinforced bed. She claims, however, that he died of brain cancer in order to avoid prosecution for first degree murder.
Had the Loafhead Creature been found guilty it would have, most likely, been executed by a very large ballistic missile with a very powerful nuclear warhead since the electric chair would not hold it without collapsing (and the fact that NO electric company could generate enough electrical current to successfully execute it). The gas chamber would not work either since no company could build a chamber large enough to hold all of the gas needed to properly cause euthanasia such an enormously overweight creature. Lethal injection wouldn't work either because of the mass involved and the amount of chemicals needed (it would vastly overwhelm even Union Carbide)
Someone should, like, do something about it.
The mating habits of the Loafhead are probably best left unmentioned since many haven't the stomach to deal with such a very unpleasant description.
The living habits of this beast usually involve vigorously masturbating near a radio used to receive international shortwave broadcasts while listening to the Voice of Russia or Communist China broadcasts. This horrible creature can also be found online blogging and "netcopping" using her WebTV Classic unit.
If you ever encounter this horrible beastly creature, do not try and run from it as it will try and chase you causing untold destruction to the earth's mantle and rock formations which will cause a seismic disaster to the entire planet. To escape, simply attempt to walk away and seek shelter in a cluttered basement on Manchester Drive in the city of Mount Kisco, New York near some old tube shortwave radio equipment that there is no chance ever of repairing or restoring. The escape and shelter will be very unpleasant and may seem unbearable but it will save your life.
The diet of the Loafhead should not consist of anything which will cause it to produce flatulence. When this creature does fart, it usually makes headline news in the form of a deadly tornado in which there is mass destruction, injury and death for those in its path.
Thank you for reading about this horrible and terrible beast and may God protect you from it.
Crazy Shit
Loafhead's childhood clothing catalog
Pageant Winner.
SECKS
AAAAAAAAAAAA she's fuckin' NECKID OH NOES I CANNOT SEEEE
Olive Loaf.
"Oh my GOD there's a HEAD in that yard! And it's shaped like an OLIVE LOAF!" - Loafhead's neighbor
"The most dangerous place in Atlanta on a Friday morning-a McDonalds parking lot." - Oliver Loaf
In The News
- Fat Woman Damage
- Fat Woman Delays Flights
- GA woman sues Pa. hotel for toilet seat break
- The Flatus Incident on Delta Flight 1006
